hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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