Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
