I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize