jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
