I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
