I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
