Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize