the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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