Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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