My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
