so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
