Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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