I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I touched a dick in church today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize