JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish you could order shots online.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
