Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
