i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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