dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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