and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Operation Purity has been aborted
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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