if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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