Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
