I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
