I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
