im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
