MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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