I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
