My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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