billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
