nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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