I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
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