I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
