Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
