I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
