My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish you could order shots online.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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