I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
