im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
