I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
