It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
they're like a gay fantastic four
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize