I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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