i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He did a backflip because drugs
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