Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
