a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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