Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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