she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
