he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
