DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
