so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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