if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
