the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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