i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
