Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
