Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
