The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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