Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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