Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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