You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize