My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
