She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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