I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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