just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
