I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
