they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
